Sorrow and Shadows
by Windfighter
Summary: Back in finland Lalli refused to talk with anyone. Until he got a visitor he wasn't prepared for.


For three days Lalli had lived in silence. Locked up in his apartment he didn't even open the door for Tuuri or Onni. He had kept away from the magespace by staying awake until he knew he would fall in such a deep sleep he wouldn't wake up there. No spirits disturbed him in the apartment, only silence. Silence and the occasional sniffle when Lalli could no longer hold back the tears.

Tuuri knew him enough to leave him alone when he was in, what she called, one of his moods, so she had left him alone even before they returned to Finland, not talking with him about anything on the way home. Onni had been more persistant, but after getting the cold shoulder for one month he had given up as well. So, Lalli's apartment had laid silent for three days. When the hunger got too bad he forced himself to eat from the crisp bread he had stacked away on a shelf before he left for the Silent World. It tasted like his old life; normal, familiar and _boring._ He could never finish his meals.

Three days in silence, now that even Onni had given up on him, but on the fourth day the whispers started. Quiet at first, soft. Lalli couldn't make them out, but for the first time in several weeks he slept without nightmares. For every day that went past the whispers got stronger. Words in a language he thought he would never hear again. Words wishing him a good night's sleep, words reminding him to eat.

After two weeks he woke up and felt something pull at his hair. He could make out a shadow next to the bed and settled up quickly, started chanting in Finnish. The whispers echoed in the apartment, stronger than ever, but only one word, repeated throughout eternity.

 _Nej._

Lalli stopped chanting, looked at the shadow. It flickered, sank back behind the bed. The word still repeated, quieter, and then silence. Next morning his hair wasn't touched until he opened his eyes. The shadow moved slowly and Lalli watched it, shivered when what looked like fingers pulled through his hair. Lalli laid motionless, waited, but nothing else happened. The shadow smiled at him. It didn't have a face, but Lalli still felt it smiling. He finished his meal that day.

Lalli started talking to the spirit after that, stumbling over words he thought he would never use again. Words in Finnish snuck in sometimes, and the spirit looked at him, amused and bemused and he tried to explain them. Sometimes the shadow laughed and Lalli's heart beat quicker. After what had happened he thought he would never hear that laugh again. He didn't care that the laugh was just a shadow of how he remembered it, from a time when everything was still well.

Four months after they returned to Finland Tuuri knocked on his door again. Lalli didn't open, but the spirit gestured for him to do so. Lalli spoke to it, quietly, and then Tuuri knocked again.

 _Öppna._

Lalli shook his head, stretched a hand out to the shadow on the other side of the table. The spirit pulled away, went closer to the door. It repeated the word and Lalli shook his head again.

"Not opening."

The shadow bowed it's head, studied the floor, before nodding and coming back to the table. Tuuri's voice cut through the door.

"Lalli? Is there someone in there?"

The Finnish sounded weird in Lalli's ears, unfamiliar yet the only thing he knew, and the shadow flickered. He didn't provide an answer for his cousin and she left again. She would be back, maybe with Onni, and he looked at the shadow, wanted to tell it to hide, to leave, just long enough for Onni to see he was alone, but he chocked on the words.

 _Ingen fara._

Lalli's eyes burned, but the spirit smiled, pulled its fingers through Lalli's hair. Lalli wanted to call its name, but his throat was thick, unable to form sounds. The spirit placed its hand on Lalli's shoulder, waited, and the door knocked again. Lalli could feel the owl on the other side, slapped his hands over his ears to shut out the calls from his cousin. The spirit waited, flickered slightly next to Lalli, but its face turned towards the door. It spoke again, the same suggestion as before, its voice sounding distant, from the other side of his grave, and Lalli let his hands fall again. He knew he should let Onni in. He knew he should let Onni help the spirit to the after-life, but he couldn't. After a few minutes Onni left. Lalli knew he would be back.

The following weeks Tuuri and Onni came by several times every day. The spirit stopped asking Lalli to open, Lalli knew he should anyway. He never answered them, only talked with the spirit in his home and hardly that since he wasn't fluent in its language. One night Lalli woke up in his sanctuary and his eyes fell on Onni. He forced himself to wake up, looked around and found the spirit by the table. He settled up, moved to say something, but the words didn't want to come. The spirit looked at him.

 _Ingen fara._

Lalli shook his head, tried to warn it again, but he couldn't. There was a knock on the door.

"Lalli, please open."

Tuuri. Lalli kept his eyes on the spirit.

 _Ingen fara._

Lalli shook his head, why couldn't the spirit understand? Onni would send it if he saw it, and then Lalli would be alone again. Tuuri couldn't see it, he knew that much, but how could he explain why he locked himself up, why he talked Swedish, if he didn't admit what was goin on? The spirit came up to him, slowly put its arms around him. Lalli shivered, but the spirit was careful to not harm him and he trusted it, he would trust it with his life, he had trust it with his life. That's why they were here now. Lalli's eyes burned and he tried touching the spirit, his hand slipping through it and he sank to his knees. The spirit followed him, brushed his hair with his nonexistent hands. Whispers filled the air again and Lalli couldn't understand all of them, but one phrase kept repeating itself. No danger. The first phrase Lalli had actually used in Swedish.

Lalli cried.

The tears he hadn't been able to shed when he lost his best friend escaped before he could stop them, the tears his nightmares had tried to lure out finally emerged, the tears he should have cried during the cermonial funeral back in Sweden ran down his cheeks. He tried to dry them up, but new one came, and his body shook, he buried his face in his hands. He had to be strong, but he couldn't, he couldn't any longer. Tears for his family, the life he could have had, everything he had bottled up during his life bursted out along with the tears.

The knocking on the door stopped, he heard Tuuri's voice, but couldn't make her words out. His hand searched for the spirit, his eyes searched its face, but it was blurry through the tears.

"Take me."

 _Sov, Lalli._

"Take me", Lalli repeated, his voice shaking. "Let me come. Emil."

 _Sov._

Lalli sank to the floor, his hand resting inside the spirit's, and he fell asleep, opened his eyes. Blue eyes smiled at him when he opened them, found himself in the sanctuary. He slowly settled up, looked at the friend he had been forced to accept.

"I didn't want a friend", he whispered.

"I know", the other answered, "but you still got one."

"Why did you..." Lalli couldn't ask the question, but Emil got it.

"Throw you out of the way? I was expendable, you weren't."

"Neither of us were."

"Protecting you was the only thing I could do. I'm sorry we didn't get more time."

"You're different from the other ghosts..."

"He's younger, some young ghost retain the ability to comminucate. It'll disappear with time, as will his mind. If he doesn't move on he will become like the ghosts you faced in Denmark."

Lalli shifted on the raft, quickly got up and placed himself between Emil and Onni. Emil's hands went through Lalli's arm as the Swede hugged him.

"You need to return to them."

"Let me stay with you."

"I have to leave. You know that."

Lalli shook his head.

"Take me with you."

"I didn't save you just to kill you. You need to return to your family."

Lalli pulled free from Emil's grip, looked at him.

"Why did you come to me?"

"You called me. I heard your voice. I didn't want you to forget about your family. Return to them, Lalli, for me."

Lalli looked towards Onni, looked at his shoes. His shoulders shook, but he nodded. His eyes filled with tears and he looked at Emil again.

"Stay."

"I can't."

The colours were starting to leave Emil again, he was turning back into a shadow.

"You don't really want me to stay. I'm not who I was."

"I want you to stay."

"I'm already slipping, I've been fighting the urge to to absorb Tuuri's spirit these last days."

"Do I have to..."

The question fell, but Emil shook his head.

"The road is clear for me, I just needed you to see your road before I could follow it."

The shadow that was Emil started flickering, his edges were turning transparent. Onni got closer and Lalli lifted a hand, held it towards Emil. Emil laid his hand towards Lalli's, the touch sent a shiver through Lalli's body, and then the hand disappeared. Onni placed a hand on Lalli's shoulder and the shadow sent one last smile in Lalli's direction.

"Live for both of us."

Onni hugged Lalli's shoulder harder as Lalli nodded and Emil disappeared. Lalli clenched his hands and looked at the ground.

"Leave me."

"Are you sure?"

"I'll come. Tomorrow. I need..."

Onni let go of Lalli's shoulder, nodded and left the sanctuary. Lalli stared ahead, sank to his knees. His body shook and he hit the raft, leaned his head against the wood and screamed. His breathing got quicker and salty water stained the raft. After ten minutes he was drained of energy, drained of sorrow and he sank to his side, fell into a deeper, dreamless sleep.


End file.
